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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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And then, just when I think it can’t get crazier, my phone buzzes. It’s my buddy João. He’s like, “Dude, you won’t believe this! The fountain in Praça do Almada is spewing green water!” I’m thinking, “What the heck? Is it St. Patrick’s Day already?” I can’t help but laugh. Only in Povoa-de-Lanhoso, man.

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